Thursday, July 31, 2008

Title Forgotton

I love my boys
I wake them up in the morning
to clean the kitchen
give them juice after they mow the lawn
tell them everything is ok
sing when they play guitar
let them beat me at pool
have them plan our trip to France

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

What I'm writing on the Wall

is the shape of what's affected
and is rarely pretty.
when it's the only option out there

welcomes notice
and does not tolerate ignore
is the choice to stand up

against what doesn't want it to exist.

If it is possible that Sahara sand sleeps atop the Alps,
and there are glaciers in Argentina...

then maybe the lion has lay down with the lamb
and no one noticed.

The whole world. every shape and soul
longs to be noticed

Tell me, How are Fog and Mountain?

are they... spooning?

If you haven't noticed, the fog and mountain are lovers
and the fog performs a rightfully sexy dance,
which the Eiger. Monch. Jungfrau
embraces into her inner valley.

The fog says
i like you
the mountain says
i like you

Sometimes, they are gone for days, eloping to create the baby,

I am not here now,
so you'll have to notice them for me

Every shape and soul


-V.R.Mooshe, with contributions from Sji Theone

Professional Avalance Instigator

My friends made a joke. They said my new job was to be taken up in a helicopter and laugh at the location where an avalanche was needed to release snow.
(once again, those of you who know me....will understand the truth and endearment of this statement)

when I tell people at the hostel I am writing a book of poetry, they are very supportive. Thank you for that!

Dreams of V.R. Mooshe:
I had the most amazing dream last night, in fact, it was my favorite dreams of all times! I was pregnant! I had a baby, but when I thought back to the birth, it was entirely painless, easy, and clear. It was a boy! And he was the same age as Trevor and Caydence (entirely impossible in real life) I was grateful that he could bond with his cousins in a way I couldn't bond with my brother and sister when I was young, due to the age gap. He was a love, and my favorite thing in the world. He would climb all over me as if I were a rocky mountain. He was very, very, small. And once again, clear. His father was Emiah Lighter, and he had his face, a very long human man face for a baby. Emiah didn't know that he had a son, and had just come back from the sea. I was taking care of Caydence and mine at the same time, but I lost my baby boy. I think he had fallen off the crib somewhere, but it wasn't scary, just disconcerting. I was very excited to call Emiah and say "You have a son" because then we would have a reason to be together. But then I knew he'd say "I didn't even know you were pregnant" and my honest response would have to be "I didn't either". Anyways, I woke up feeling fulfilled. The relationship between me and this child was so right.


"I wonder what it would be like to live here?"
"...what would you like to know?"

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

"To the Alps!"

One of the most endearing things about the hostel is how people who were not previously gathered at the hostel, will gather out in front in awe of the latest strikingly beautiful thing.
Sometimes it is how the fog caresses the inner thighs of the valley
but last night it was the line of neon pink that strutted across the lower third of the snowcapped peaks. Suddenly everyone is out watching as if the apocalypse is about to whisper a secret that only the mountains can hear.

Everyone gathers in the name of beauty
Beauty is the shape of what's affected
eerie when it is the only option
out there
Beauty is what stands up against what doesn't want it to be there
is the choice to stand
beauty is not always pretty
and does not always choose its battles


what i was talking about yesterday, backing up against the other side
I did that today!
the boys and I went to Trummelbach falls and although it ripped 11 dollars out of my pocket
it was so refreshing, reminding me of every river trip I have ever been to,
and I saw the relationship that I want, presented in rock form. That picture will take about a month to get up here, but it will.

A British woman tells me not to leave my stuff on the bench when I am at the river. That, the noise of the water would disguise a robber as silence. I don't think she understands, that this is Switzerland. The river is as busy as the city
it always has somewhere to go
and maybe she, in her Britishness
has confused it with the NY metro
perhaps she is confused
I don't think she understands
that trust, and freedom, are taken seriously
I don't think I understood
that trust, and freedom, are taken seriously


If too much of a good thing is a bad thing, then what does that say about marriage?


I ran to escape the hostel to my spot on top of an eyeball.


I did something
once and entirely
without knowing what I was doing
at all


His biggest secret is that he's not happy here. And i have to throw it all away, or I will become like plaster and cement, and understand him all too well.
Understanding others, is the only key to making anything ok
but there are some things that just aren't. And I'm afraid that understanding them would make them so, in some indecipherable sense.


learning how to play flippy cups, spoons, and I already know kings. oh, and the famous name game (which I did way better than I would have thought


but i haven't figured out if I am good yet
and I don't want your book to end, so I don't finish it.
I played piano for 9 years and I only know two songs.
I take back everything I said about Londoners: this one can play the piano like a tulip
I only know one thing for sure: you have to loose everything you have


I guess, if all goes right, the mountain will still be here when I get old, that is, if I do get old, "that is, if there is gold left"-


3 days and its winter on top, and summer on bottom, a greener green


nothing is better than Peacecore Guitar playing and me dancing, along


her fear is that her life is just as mundane as theirs, and by joining them, it would hit her in the face

what can people do? if you can't get out of your skin, where can you go to?


i'm on the other side of darkness
on the other side of pain
i'm on the other side of sadness
on the other side of why for waking up
i'm on the other side in Mountain
but my back side Harry Potter turbin is behind, attached
on. off
I hope it doesn't turn all the way back around.
I could go hiking in AZ, and just cry at the top
beacuse it is not here. The place won't cry with me
because it will never know


i never loved myself more

just give me 20 minutes to mourn off every traveler
just 20 minutes to comply
please grant this rustic pleasure
so that I may
only child never was my name
but grant me 20 minutes just the same.


today I'm beginning to see the mt again: what a gift!
I'm ok with not seeing it; as long as I'm aware that i'm not.
the past cannot be real
because stillness never falters


the trummelbach falls releases tons of water (and even blackened marble) from the Jungfrau, Monch, and Eiger. A friend (and reader!) wanted to know more about what "the other side" was like:

Since I was 14, I have been wanting to swoon my hands over this creation. Selfishly, I have just wanted to press my body up against it, to feel it with the most surface area of myself that I can. Just like I feel when I see how beautiful it all is, and then try to capture it with my camera, how trite. It's hard for me not to become an obsessive lover with this place, already I have been thinking "this is the last time that..." when really riding up the cable car to Murren in the rain, stopping intermittently for lighting was a first! Like I said at the beginning of my stay, I have often wondered how this side of the mountain feels, what it looks like. On my visit to Wengen,
I did see the other side. It's not exactly something I want to write about, or even explicitly explain, because it is all I can do but not to call it less beautiful. I feel those words that i just typed will send down every terror the landscapes holds and reign it down upon me. What I did see, was how loving either side of the valley was to each other. How each stands it's entire life looking at each other, and doesn't even know really what their own surfaces look like, just what they uphold, and the different weathers they have come to know exist. At the mountain, when I touch the other side, I feel as if I am being zapped with electric energy with each finger. The mountain's kinesthetic response was really just my seeping want pouring out. Has anything been more wanted? Is that enough to make something really, really special?



there is an intimate moment shared
in the bathroom
between two doors closed
and strangers
sitting in silence,
waiting to pee
maybe a device could be made
like a laugh track
'cept it would be a pee track
to make the bowels more safe,
but then i'd loose an intimate

there was an intimate moment
in front of lightning and Arizona skies
where every 5 seconds we clicked the camera together
but none of it was about me
i think it was about conquering some sort of lighting
i'd erase it from my memory
him, and his silly cowboy hat and us in the rain
but then i'd loose an intimate

there was an intimate moment
where I was running circles with my mouth
and he was sucking my toe
like my brother did when I was 1 and he was 10
i would dispose this memory for its possible dab into the sacrilegious but then i'd loose an intimate

there was an intimate moment
between myself and wine
where the taste was too sweet for my mind to be ransomed
i'd run it over with wisdom and respect
but i'd loose an intimate

there was an intimate moment
between myself and my regrets
and all the fun they gave me
and all the times they hissed back
i've heard them traded for complacency and mediocrity
but then i'd find myself more liar than human
and of course i'd loose an intimate

there was an intimate moment
between his fingers
and my line of giving up
my back against his meanness and
his hands around my mind
i would have rid them for any other egg yolk
to regain the moments i spent savoring this one
and lashing on the floor for miss
but i would loose a very special intimate

and no closer i would get

there was an intimate moment
between my need and her recognition
that even eyes sifting past eyes could not prevent
the warm of gushy tears
I'd run from my ability to provide any outlet
but by then i'd have missed an intimate

and no closer would I get

and by then i'd miss something intimate

and no closer would i get



"that life thing, you can't get away from it can you?"
it was the 3rd time i'd seen someone in life that reminded me of Bardoff Founder
I wanted to crush all his words. and make them untrue.

Monday, July 28, 2008

28 days later...

Let me try to write something coherent this time around.
I have no idea what this pop culture reference relates to, but I couldn't refuse writing it as my title.
Yesterday, when I went to see the other side,
I figured I would touch the mountain, lay a hand on the side of it, but I was then confused as to what the mountain consisted of,
is it the roads, the made walls, the trees? I wanted to lay my back up against the most background cliff and then be done,
but there was none to be found. Only further.
Have I done what I have come to do?
I sat on my bench until the thunderclouds's secrets were well overheard.
And I began to understand the mountain. It is forms and shapes and turns of how the water runs past it, and a product of how wind, erosion, and time have affected it. There are parts of me which wonder if this mountain has gotten a say in any of its beauty at all. Yes, it produces magical empowerment, but does it have choice?
I watched the crevices of the mountain, and how they stem from steep drops of water, and how it levels out. How on the flat parts, more moss grows, and at the bottom, the grey concrete loose rock is from the falling of the water. I noticed how I don't really see the mountain at all, but it's parts: the over mounting cliff face, the valley and it's large river, the waterfalls, or water stains on the cliffs (depending on how dry it is). I saw these things and wondered what the mountain, itself can choose. Am I loving skin? Cabinets? I am parts, as she is. So it steals nothing from the heart, but I don't know how I feel about understanding, even nougats of it.

Apparently during Swiss National day there is a little bit of dichotomy between the locals and the hostel people (remember, when the entire hostel is full, it accounts for half of the entire town's population). Therefore, there is a bit of...tension Esther told me. Apparently, we go our separate ways. We'll see, but it's understandable. Why should they celebrate it so strongly if they are not Swiss? Well, clearly, because it is beautiful.


One of the most loving sights of the Bernese Oberland region is how the houses are perched so carefully on vertical landscape to see....the other side. When two houses are facing each other-well, it's very touching. It's like they worked so hard and so long just to be able to say "hey, I see you".


I would highly recommend a very well-done children's book called A Bell For Ursli, about a swiss boy who finally gains a very large cow bell of his own. Saw it in Wengen, a town much more commercial with more construction than farmy, "time-warp" Gimmelwald, with lots of shops.


The water, as it falls into the waterfall is scared
of death
and it shutters
little does it know it will evaporate
before even really hitting the
next level
and it
will be saved
from knowledge of death
maybe that's what its like


I met two guys here last week, and they are staying here until I do.
They are both from the states, and to be trusted.
We're going to rent a car when we leave, and take it to the boarder of France and Spain, where the Pyrenees meet the ocean.
it may deplete all savings I have, but it will be the cheapest way in a while to get to somewhere I've never been before.
I'll drive it 8 hours back before catching my plane. This part I'm not looking SO forward to, but it is more cost effectively.
A high price to pay for freedom.
A small price to pay for adventure.



I arrived on the day of my old friend's wedding (which is in fact the unfortunate truth) and Lsocc Disease was wearing a shirt he once made for me. My mom was there too, but everyone was wearing the wrong clothes. Then, a semi truck filled with highschool students which were actually paper card cut outs, crashed all into each other.
I woke up on a pull out couch with the rest of the boys, who said they wanted to take an early swim in the hot tub.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Crossing Over

Today I finally did it. I saw the other side of the mountain
what we are perched on
from the side that I've spent all month admiring
it was unsettling
and unexpectedly
The valley towards Lauterbrunnen
is too much beauty to take in
and felt an awful lot like falling in love.
Made my life hungry, made everything made an odd sort of sense.

August is a rough crowd at the hostel.
The busy season ended a couple weeks ago
and so there are less people to socialize with
although I have a core group, of guys who will ride out the rave with me till the end
and then to the French Pyranees we go. To do the camino de Santiago.
A boy of 9 years old walks around cleaning up all the empty beer glasses around me.
Michele Petra's 9 year old daughter fluffs up my checks, asks if I want anything to drink, and frankly tells me how to play spoons. "It's easy" she says, and translates for her German friends
now, she teaches me how to break dance

I'm not liking the way my nose is turning out
from watching the movie, My girl
I figure it is the only thing
that's really mine
wearing my hair wet and down looks like my nipples are crying for bigger breasts.

the mountain knows a thing or two about death
and aging. I found varicose veins on my legs today
and just wishes they would be in a more interesting shape
tired of bubbling lava muscles
why can't they just burn like fire?
The creature of truth says death is the best alternative
to waste.

nothing can ever be held close enough to stay
except for my nose, who's new shape i am shunning
my mother killed her first hamster by hugging it too closely to her chest
that's how I lost my second promise
apparently I am an obsessive lover, because I decided to stay 30 days staring into the gills of the Mountain

how did you come so early and leave so soon?
how did you manage to find that cheap yellow pass
my father always said leave early before the rest
why am i wearing your socks
my chest?

let it be missed
let it be missed
enough is to plenty

why did I lie and say you were second best?
why did i leave that keep cool and dry package inside the right pocket of your vest
why did i listen so well to everyone else?

let it be missed
let it be missed
enough is to plenty

there will always be another pretty girl

Dreams of V.R. Mooshe

Shadow, the black hostel cat, attacked me.

Friday, July 25, 2008

One Guitar Blue Gutair

Today was fabulous. After finishing Maya Angelou's auto biography, I walked into the dining area at the hostel and saw none other but THE OFFICE!!!!! playing on someone's macbook pro. Wow. After craving television for so long, my favorite show just comes up and greets me. It really was wonderful, and we watched 5 episodes, and I'm still as into Jim and Pam as ever, and the theme song is, well it's just a theme song. ;) This evening I have finally become one of the boys, we stay up late drinking and singing songs from the 60's and I feel like I have finally accomplished turning into my mother. Peacecore Guitar even picked something up at the Super Market for me, and I found a girl that works at the local cheese shop who leaves the same day I do. I figure, I may as well just stay. In between all these events, I trimmed a man's beard. I felt like my mother, and how she used to trim my father's hair in a style that always seemed out of a sepia toned photograph, none of the men I have been with have been man enough to need a beard trim, and I loved the fact that I had no idea what I was doing, that he trusted me, and that it turned out alright. I love it when people let me get close.

Dreams of V.R. Mooshe:
I was, again, graduating high school, but on the top of a Shilthorn-like area. Evan Teacher was like....floating behind me and
I told him that I didn't have anything to sing for graduation and he cried with me. I knew in my dream it was my second graduation and I was thinking about just getting it over with by accepting my diploma.

oh, and a few nights ago I was a Papa John's delivery woman with Lscocc Disease and he hugged me and cried. I hate those ones.

Living here isn't really like living in a different country. It's more like living in a very, very, cool part of America.

I think I found my love for this place when the fire alarm started going on last night and there was a resturant filled with smoke. I ran over, and everything was ok. But first came a concern to save the place, and then a concern for me. It's a weird feeling, when you discover you'd willingly die for something.

I've done my time being hopeful
and now I play with my back to the mountain

is the equation
to prevent nightmares

I figure the mountain already has enough to deal with
so at night you'd better
watch out

there is nothing in my future but other people's death
and my own success
why is this worth seeing?

I just want the closest thing that's free
and I don't mean money.

I just want to be messed with
by people who love me

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Good Morning and Welcome to the Mountain Hostel. Lock out is in 10 Minutes. Please make sure all your dishes are clean.

On the other side of Mountain is an old man crusty crumbling

on the other side of Mountain is a fugue

On the other side of Mountain is granola of swiss cereal

behind, the mount was hunted for his wise.
the wise, the mount was hunted from behind

On the other side of mountain is a friend weary from famous who closed one door and opened valley wide

On the other side of Mountain is the end of what's forgiven
and the malady of boarding up one's eyes

This bumpy, chunky fixture was tired of tomorrow
and decided then to let the critics rave

about the stench caesarian, who's scar we called him river
his curse?
subject to endless days of praise

On the other side of mountain is the head of all this framework
who let his other chances make him brave.

I am full of miss,
Apparently learning how to count higher only makes everyone wear the same soul

This being true,
I don't bother with names

I tell myself I have Chinese heritage
so that my past can become a love mystery.

My soul could pick up an Asian sword and no amount of freckles
could differentiate
man to man to man
I wish you could blend with them
into an unnamed Mr. Bland

but it doesn't matter
they all have two legs,


and the formula can't exist
on one.

Stay in one place please
You were the first one I went to,
and found myself at
I must return to you and your mango and coffee gelato
your frog peaks and russian bakery owners,
your donut shops and all day lights
your turn-again arm and bodies of whales

You knew me
before number 5 ate my brains and I had to
refrigerate them in 10 mountains,
bartering for them in Alp huts and chasing them with glacier glue. Before I dreamt about flying a cow copter
How mean! The cow never wished to lactate so high up,

You are in all my music;
strands of music hair never
missed you more

"Have you ever had a constant moment, in your life?"
That struck
northern lightning
I hated
flipping 360's. On aluminum foil days and moon moose nights
I loved you at last sight,

and now I'm full of miss.


My horoscope says
"look to the world for what it is, not what it should be"

Dreams of V.R. Mooshe:
Lsocc Disease was sending me all sorts of pictures from our past. The pictures were large, and I wondered why my newly cleaned out inbox was full of old stuff that was new.

wow. the actor actually left. Something broke in me when he did that. Maybe it was a back molar. But quickly, on to conversations of moscow theatre, chicago art scene, and Christianity. Painfully, I have learned to love listening. Almost forcefully, I have become fulfilled by using my ears. Men, always have so much to say.

Today was lovely. Yesterday a German speaking friend brought me over to a table of Swiss people and we spoke. I was surprised at how well I can understand the basics of the German language, just not communicate in it at all. Today is the actor's last day, and I sure am sad to see such a beautiful man leave. Beautiful people are like scenery you can take anywhere, because you feel like you're exploring by just looking at their face. Anyways, I attended the second goodbye party of a person who works here. It's righteous, staying. So Veronica cooked us Chicken/Shrimp curry and a Toblerone Mousse! Fantastic, we ate in the "Privat" gazebo and then talked for hours about love, travel, and serendipity. At this point I'm excited that I didn't go to Paris, but am looking at tickets to Scotland/Norway for my last week. It's just like me, to find something that I love-and then always try to find a ticket out. It never means I'm unhappy, just curious. Anyways, then Nicole cut my hair! She has wanted to make it look "more rude" for awhile, and so now it's...quite a bit shorter. To be honest, I don't care how it looks-I just like the fact that I was barbered in front of the Swiss Alps after a fine meal, for free. The Slovokian waitresses have been playing this incessant American music on the radio, and that's been the only unpleasant thing about the day. My goal today is to finish two books, write something fabulous on this wall, and talk to Kathy about doing a hike sometime. She works at Esthers. How could I describe the characters here? The woman who works at the Apocathy, the woman that works at the cheese shop, co-op, souiveneer shop. The old man who takes 2 shots of Yeager every morning and often rolls off hills. I don't think I ever would. Anyways, Veronica said she will climb the Via Ferrata with me and by then I think I'll be booked for the week. That's it! One week! I am going to blindfold myself and push myself on the gondola so that I leave? My reason for leaving: Change: and an ever increasing willpower to go after the entertainment industry. I was invited to come hay today, but hopefully I can do that later.


two many people close to me have left recently. "Thanks for taking care of me" I say. It was true. Taking care with no questions asked. Promises should never be words.


the cutest part about this saying is that the actor, when trying his first shout out...used exactly the same words as me! a son!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The last thing i want is to be back to myself.

He left at his best, looking and listening
giving me enough fuel and energy to not worry
about where the double u went in orry
and just to focus
fresh. on not me.
and stories. of his.
i could care less if it's gush about
drink party lit lost friends names laugh
in it's untouchable manner. it lets me be
feet away from my claustrophobic soul
and closer to anything else.
how life can be lived that way, focused on one thing or another
how life can be lived that way
how life can be lived that way
enthralled, laughing, dying slowly.
i will never be slow to love

green hat and metal limb
skin pulled over skin pulled over nerves
a flip of a coin?
i doubt strongly.
and a cry at the mountains while a huge grasshopper hops out of the camera's view finder
and i brush away the red flower on the wood

bye. good.

these mountains. they let me fall. they'll let me recover.

no Paris today
instant tears
piano in the background
it will stay good here
i feel like angels have come to wrap me

Today I almost had a nervous break down because I passed so many people I was certain that I would never see again

I do have many things to do here which would enable, staying
and bugs on mountains are always around the corner. Like, speaking spanish today on the way down from Murren. In Switzerland. Que Bien.

(from before)

There isn't too much fog today, but for some reason I'm having trouble seeing it. In a way its becoming invisible to me, maybe I am looking too hard. I don't know if I hate or am enthralled, so I move
Today I didn't notice that it had snowed again on the mountain. How could I have?
I often talk about how unhealthy it is to seek comfort, but it is truly what I've found in this place. I've realized that I allow other people to be human, while I don't consider myself to be. Other people are allowed to be unshaven, or angry, or excited about life. But not me. Other people are allowed to be slow, or lazy, or take a day off, but I would never portray myself to be such to the general public. Call it a combination between pride, workahloic, and perfectionism but I have this idea that I need to be as neutral as milk (oh I get it now) to be accepted. This mindset will never get a wafer like me into the theatre industry. It will only cause a deeper and deeper shade of bland. Which clearly I am not. So why do I try so hard to be? It's also the same way with men. They are allowed to be cut, have scars, be grumpy, whatever-and I the perfect polished stone. Princess dilema? Perhaps, but it's rather strangulating.

Today we played giant chess in Murren. I've always wanted to do that. Traveler 87 is like "where are we?! On top of a mountain playing life size chess?" haha. he was exactly correct. The people who work the cable car smile at me now, the swiss are patient with their friends, but once they are made, they are strong. Also, I went to the pool. Apparently God misplaced my g-spot to be on my head, and there was this fountain that poured rushing water down at such an angle and pressure that I could sit underneath the thing and (for those that know me) experience the most erotic sensation of my life. After each bout, I would open my eyes, and see a child trampolining in front of the alps. I don't understand. How the best thing can happen, and then it just keeps getting better. :)


I'm not so bad, me.


I say Sji Thone's name like it's the first one i've ever said
I say Mountain like it's the only one i've ever seen.

Sji Theone: Elias Lighter
Attorney of Not Getting Attached
Numb Emotions Provided
Call for extermination of heart glands
Due to bad burns from past relationships
1st Session Misleading


whoa. someone's tasting bitter.

taking polls on where I should go.


now that i've found the man I was always looking for
I can actually DO something with my life.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"It's cold up Higher"

Just to let you all know, I saw a helicopter yesterday, that was transporting a black and white cow. This helicopter was red with a swiss flag on it, carrying the cow to lower pastures for some unknown reason.

There were 3 seconds where I was not quite sure I was not in a cartoon.

Sometimes the scariest thing can be when you realize all the lies you have told yourself.

COOL HIKE TODAY to shiltalp! Crazy steep with cables to hang on to the entire way. At the very end, a box and a cross (thought it was going to be full of ashes) but a NOTEBOOK! of everyone's experience that had finally trekked up there. What a joyous treasure to find, especially after I started to fear the cow bells. The quote is from an older guy who said that to us as we hiked. I thought it was pretty awesome. :) It was so caring of him, even though it was extremely obvious.

What else? Oh I was so proud of myself cuz the walk up to Shilthorn was SO much easier.

Sji Theone reminds me a lot of a combination of Tat First and Lscocc Disease.

The cheese was bland and the wine, bad
but the atmosphere made up for it all
wine cheese and crackers are never bad
with an alpine backdrop
and cow bells in your ears
which was just like the transfer
not the greatest combo. but
everything makes up for itself
with mountains out the window the next morning.

also another cool thing we saw was all this fogged shaped into a giant "L" in front of the rockface. It was like the output and input machine drawn for us in pre-calc class. It gathered the fog from a magic genie and poofed it out the top like tea kettle boiler. IT was so stunning.

Dreams of V.R. Mooshe:

Mine and Sji Theone's body were one, body. I had his infinity tattoo of the day his left leg was removed. People would ask about it, and I realized that were were the same person.
Pretty Pretty odd.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Strange by Default

Will post later. Pics from Shilthorn!
All is well I think. Paris maybe soon.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Wanting, to want?

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The closest thing that's f r e e

Boy, did I have me a day today.

Trying to describe the hike went on today would be a tragedy.

But imagine that the brains of the earth went INSANE

and during this insanity, decided to create art out of themselves.

that is what this was.

I got as close as i've EVER gotten to the mountain. I looked it in the EYE. I said "i love you" and then left quickly. It was the clearest day in forever, and you could see around you and around you and around you

and i take it back about the actor

he beats me in acceptance AND kindness

other than that

there is dead spider goo on my computer.

and excuse me, for dropping off the face of the earth.

good things keep happening
have talked to several people who have almost died
and have come here
this place is a place of magical miracles
it's like a pseudo husband
we clean the kitchen together
raid the free basket together
eat lunch together
hike together
complain about our knees together
laugh at the bar with Petra together
"you are fun" she says and I swell with pride
we laugh loudly together
talk about acting together
attract nothing but goodness together
i bring his bowl. he cooks the pasta
dinner together. I speak in we. in a healthy way.
best part. we are not attracted to each other! he is attractive. I am attractive. but no throughway! PERFECT! It's the ONLY other thing I've ever wanted.
Crazy Part: The day he came to the hostel, we both fell in love, with 2 other people. His girl left today, mine comes back tomorrow. We take care of each other in our day of absence.
The actor is simple. But positive and good.. Finally, a man I can feel comfortable around. We are roommates. Live door next to each other. Maybe one day we'll share the limelight together.
"Does this obligate me to eat with you" I say, after he cooks me pasta (I have already eaten) "I think so".
Man, nothing but good and wonderful runs through my veins. I am not nervous for tomorrow for as he says
"everything, is awesome, now"
have I told you lately how much I love my life?
Things are weird weird weird
ironic ironic ironic.

This friendship is as good as Oly friends. A warm bowl of soup has laid itself in my soul.

Today I walked through a postcard of pink flowers and snowcapped mountains. What did the blue moving sky keep reminding me of? here. here. here.

An ant crawls on some soft flower at the top of the mesa. Swiss mesa. It is so small against the grandeur. Can it see where it is?
In the midst of seeing nothing, where am I? In the circle of so much beauty.

The mountains say you get as much as you give
but that there is so much to get
so much that no one knows about
and ask ask ask the soil

live life with great hope and faith

ps: maybe we are magic, to meet and fall in love with 2 strangers on the same day. We call ourselves the "mountain hostel match makers"

"it's not as fun as a crowd as yesterday"


"it's cool though, I like that"

Always tap into the amazing. I thank the teachers God has given me for showing me how to really live.

i've seen a mountain with long hair as fog



"wow you must have made some impression"
" "
" and the Alps, they might have helped a little with that too"
" "

:) yes, i get it

"how are the mountains and fog.....

And weird: traveler 307 with a camera comes to return for many weeks. What is all this nonsense! What is one to do?! Smile

"THANK YOU MOUNTAIN HOSTEL" haha. or God, depending.

Friday, July 18, 2008

" I hear there used to be mountains, behind that fog"

The waterfalls look neon, today.
Glow in the dark paint on the rock's face.

Traveler 190 says today "Can you imagine what it would be like to wake up to this view every morning?"

I can't. Because I live it, every day.

I am even getting
to the scenery.

How does someone get used to perfection?

A day is a day is a day is a day is a day



I know the kitchen so well, I can tell whether it is really clean, or perfectly clean in 2 seconds
I know the subtleties of this place, and the mountain
which is still not enough
enough is too plenty

3.80 was hot chocolate and a seat with a view and 2 travelers
i can't concentrate to read
i can't concentrate

the mountains have their own story
Monch, Eiger, and Jungfrau
the dark monk, the ogre, and the young maiden
the ogre loves the young maiden, but the dark monk looks after her
these are the characters outside my window
the mountain looked somehow vulnerable today
it had just come out to play for the evening, and was shy to show it's blush at the
sunset, kissing it's forehead.
we're just excited to see her, in whatever state she is in.
even if it is for 15 minutes on a clear night.
maybe it is all about the experience
because stir fried radishes and bananas and chives sure do taste good
(am i turning into my mother)
they taste so good I have to turn away from the mountain to enjoy.
The mountain requires full attention when being looked at
it is not something you can do half heartedly.
because EVERY single time I look at the mountain it is different
it is different EVERY single time I look at the mountain
EVERY single time I look the Mountain, it is different
light hits shadows swarm fog teeters
it plays a different role in every scene
here, she blushes pink. Can even she be vulnerable?
Rick Steeves called this place a Time Warp
No, it doesn't remind me of Rocky Horror
but "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof, it sure does.
A game of pool
Walter lets me win
romantic up there under those lights
going always first through the mother
a hand hold
and pint of beer
the deal is set
even though they'd rather have me with the actor
down to earth for being so handsome


Budapest was dirty. Man, have I told you how clean Switzerland is?
Petra always kicks my attitude in the balls.
And sometimes washes my dishes.

I rarely feel like I have enough to offer
If I have the "where are you from" conversation again, I may combust

most recently, Washington
most romantically, Alaska
most often, Flagstaff
most pridefully, Switzerland
most bloody, Europe
most originally, Colorado
most truly, from the Organs of the Strangest Mountain.
honest if called honest, V.R. Mooshe
The other day I asked God to send the biggest help he could imagine as soon as possible
1. 50 highschool kids to clean the kitchen for three days
2. finally letting go of an abusive relationship
3. an apology i wanted for 2 years from that relationship
4. an invitation i've wanted for 6 months
5. an accepted offer i've wanted forever
6. a dream-catcher (and love-giver)
Hope Faith Love live in the air
Greco-Roman conceptions

Main article: Eros (love)

In the classical world, the phenomenon of "love at first sight" was understood within the context of a more general conception of passionate love, a kind of madness or, as the Greeks put it, theia mania ("madness from the gods").[1] This love passion was described through an elaborate metaphoric and mythological psychological schema involving "love's arrows" or "love darts", the source of which was often given as the mythological Eros or Cupid,[2], sometimes by other mythological deities (such as Rumor[3]). At times, the source of the arrows was said to be the image of the beautiful love object itself. If these arrows were to arrive at the lover's eyes, they would then travel to and 'pierce' and 'wound' his or her heart and overwhelm him/her with desire and longing (love sickness). The image of the "arrow's wound" was sometimes used to create oxymorons and rhetorical antithesis concerning its pleasure and pain.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

"Good Morning, Cinderella"

The Mountain plays a beautiful poker face to moments' inability to form themselves into the perfect love story.
And the cynics mock the hopefuls
While really, it is the cynics who are hopeful, and the hopefuls who are sly
for 12 hours I forgot how to do everything
that I have been doing for 20 years
having to rethink each movement of hand, or step.
my favorite part of the evening
was forgetting how to walk.

There are a few things I thought would always happen, that I have been calculating, preparing, brewing a response to, ever since there was an ever:
1 getting eaten by a bear in the woods
2 getting shot
3 being present for the apocalypse
4 charging someone on a battlefield with a sword
5 being left alone with my father, after my mother never dies
6 terminal illness
7 young death
8 writing a book about how to make it in the acting biz
9 having a pimple that is as large as my entire face
10 having a son
11 stopping the next holocaust by dancing in the middle of the street
12 being a plus size model
13 communicating with people of an ancient civilization
14 love, at first sight

There are a few things I thought would always happen
1 getting eaten by a bear in the woods
2 getting shot
3 being present for the apocalypse
4 charging someone on a battlefield with a sword
5 being left alone with my father, after my mother never dies
6 terminal illness
7 young death
8 writing a book about how to make it in the acting biz
9 having a pimple that is as large as my entire face
10 having a son
11 stopping the next holocaust by dancing in the middle of the street
12 being a plus size model
13 communicating with people of an ancient civilization

Just as I came to realize some of them would never happen, one of them did.

Sji Theone traded me for Budapest
me. Budapest
Budapest. me.


I guess the world is bigger than I am
I thought I was the biggest thing out there
(on a good day)

I did the meanest thing. I woke up this morning and hoped it would be cloudy
so Sji Theone would stay. I hoped so hard that it rained, which was his reason for
leaving. (really, his reason was in the clouds). Who else would pick up on the romance of Fog, and Mountain. Who else would have been abandoned by a lover,
stumbling awkwardly out of the fusty closet.
Be as crystal as water,
addiction jealousy
coffee alcohol
to cope with the meanness of life.
While still trying to do something about it.

I would ask the man of my dreams how he coped with being a live and he would say
"I am scared, every moment, I am terrified. I don't deal with it, not at all"
the man of my dreams would be strong enough to be scared.

Sji Theone says "It's all about the experience" and turns the cable cars wheels forward
i hope
that they will actually run
but i've already hoped for the wrong thing once today. Once again, I hoped for something to be too close, instead of wanting it to see the most beautiful thing in the world

how could i?

I don't know who cleaned the kitchen today, but
she broke every glass
fiercely. Demonstrating
nothing, just Demonstrating

My favorite part of the evening was forgetting how to walk.
I do not think it is all about the experience
I think it's about finding good experiences, and keeping with them.

Maybe I am wrong, wrong, wrong

nothing will ever beat this place, but that is not ever the point.

. . .

and then, of course, I come home to what I thought I always wanted, staring me in the face.

There are some things in life I've thought would always happen.

I had to sleep the feeling off it was so strong. I had to leave it, and let it roll off my feet, onto the mountain. I didn't like
I liked
that feeling.
Hope, the dirty bastard. Fog.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Blood Flow


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The choice to be beautiful.

Haha. I bet these pictures are really confusing you guys.

To Oberstienburg I go!

...or not
cuz this weird guy groped me in the woods
and I got lost
and never made it there.


Not to mention my ex fiance wrote me to tell me he likes another girl and dosen't love me anymore. And sent me a song about her. (which I deleted, refusing to listen to it)

It's been a really fun day. I think I'm a little....what's the word....tired

of being alone. Or as Lessi Giggle says "misses having friends" I think I'm going to make a new rule called "Never Hike Alone"

what do you all think?! Man it is weird when your mind is rushing and outside, paradise swirls in reality.


Rivers of No and Goodbye

I invited the mountain to dinner tonight. We sat facing each other over a plate of fried vegetables and sausage. While eating, I noticed a castle formation of boulders towards the upper left eyebrow of the largest river (which is seen outside my window). I realized that I used to look at the mountain, but I finally have started to see it. We spoke as we always do:

-tastes like real vegetables huh?


-mighty fine dinner you're having

-yes. thank-you. for. growing it.

-it's rough sometimes, being a mountain'

-I'll bet. It's rough a lot too, being a human.

Silently, we both decided we wouldn't trade. But, the mountain tends to hear everything I say, even silently. I am reminded of the transcendentalists, or my study of Buddhism, or my trip with Craig Childs. I want to want to do nothing, as I chew the tastiest and softest potato.






-I will

-good job












- I know





- What does 'how' mean?

- Um, oh. I guess 'how' means....what happens just before a waterfall.

-oh. Say 'Hello'

Amazed, I thought of every spider web I'd ever seen. I thought of my niece's eyes.

-Is that what the water says to the rocks, before it finds a place to fall?

-Of course.

Then, the creature of truth told me a story:
Long ago, before stars had stories, and babies were given names, I had to make a choice. The choice looks simple on paper: whether or not to be beautiful. Beauty, isn't always pretty, and paradise doubly so. Beauty isn't easy. I heard this from the ocean, sky, and trees. If I chose beauty, it involved inviting every landscape into my vessels. Not every rock would fall into place in the rock face. In cold winters, parts of my brain would be numbed. When avalanches fell, loved ones would come with it. Still, I made the choice to be beautiful. The only thing that differentiates you from a snail, is your choice not to be a snail. Choices are the only things that glow in the dark. I choose to be beautiful.

There wasn't breath left to be taken away.

-I did this by saying hello to every living thing

It was the best dinner I have ever had. But I couldn't not ask, about the cruelty. About the pieces of trash I pick up, even from Alpine slopes. About sad faces drawn on little children, and the hardest, the people who didn't choose anything at all. I smiled, but had to wonder, in a very American like way, how it could say hello to things that caused harm.

what abou-

-that's, what the rivers are for.

Monday, July 14, 2008

"Deep inside the canyon I can hide. All I ever wanted was your life."

A morning of death

Last night some travelers were talking about a man falling off a cliff. I'd been contemplating how weird it is that people who are a live talk about those who are dead. It just all seems very odd to me. (the larger concept of alive souls discussing dead ones). Like a passing down of a tradition, which shouldn't ought to be passed. When I woke up, it had been snowing and raining for three days now. Several times durante the night, the rain awoke me. Non Stop. I figured out why. A man of the village died the other day, was helicoptered out. He was 43 and had three kids. Petra is really shooken up about it. That brings Gimmelwald down to 85. I can't take being in Europe having any more deaths. Right before Petra told me this news, one of the h.s. trip leaders was telling me how her husband had died, and she went to take a river trip on the grand canyon-and looked up at the moon from slot canyons, and how it gave her inner peace. Right as she was saying this, the lyrics from the title of the post came on the stereo. The last woman who told me about riding on the canyon last week, told me about two newlyweds who had taken a honeymoon trip and had drowned in the Colorado River. And this woman said that the fact that I saw an eagle right before I got to Shilthorn was bad luck. No, I don't believe bad things are lucky.

Hello to everyone I know that is still alive: Hello alive people! Let's experience each other! There is never enough time!


The baby the mountains and fog made is named Snow. She's beautiful, and coats the entire half of all the creature of truth. You know you're cold when you are using the mac laptop for warmth.


After heaving about 30 bags of trash up to the trash man on his big truck, he says
"bye bye trash lady"





SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (For those of you that know me, you'll understand that my life started today).


Wow. Being in the snow starts to bring back all sorts of other Swiss memories from before. Every DETAIL in the mountain is highlighted. Man, just when I thought the mountain couldn't get any more beautiful.

it did.

It is like winter, in July. Why do I get everything?!


I'm getting so used to cable cars in the alps as a means of transportation. It's becoming second nature. When we ride from city to city, we act like we can take it all in
we pretend we can handle it
with wows
and picture snaps
and go on with our lives
it's all pride
that keeps us from doing anything but falling on our
I can't go on
unless I become that mountain.
And then we want to do the meanest thing
we want to take part of it with us
the least loving wish.
I've been thinking of tatooing it on my body.
As if the mountain would ever want to go anywhere else. Maybe.
Maybe it would like to move and turn it's neck. But no, it is too wise to want.
In the pool room
there is a blue guitar and
a red one
the blue guitar is missing
the only one
the red one
Part of this is fiction
can you figure out which part?
and he said
that a soul could enter a body at any time
but I don't believe that
why would a soul ever sleep?
and why didn't his ever enter?
but all of a sudden i felt very, very, present.
like cedar and 17.
Things we humans ponder.
*If anyone can see our bubble
*If our bubble can see anything
*the things we are not
*when to let go
*how to deal with who you are, is hated.
*how we are better off alive when we have made really big mistakes.
This trip has been so dual sided. I'll be walking through the meadow, swiss cow bells on one side and musical theatre blaring out of my left ear in the other. With staring at the mountain with the front of my brain, and hearing the jazz piano with the back. I am in Switzerland and America and I wonder what theatre will be like when I can finally give it the same concentration I am giving the rock face in the bernese oberland.
never take your safety for granted
the saddest thing was when my grandma wrote
enjoy your month
I saw a choir of trees next to a waterfall. You could see that the conductor waterfall was compelling, always moving around the stage and the tree singers had to stand still. There was one tree, that quite obviously had fallen in love with the waterfall. As time went on, it would bend, further and further in its direction. It would peer into it's magnificence and catch glimpses of it until one day, it fell over, and became part of the waterfall. At the time, this was love. So they are: fell skinny tree and waterfall. I asked the tree what it thought of it's new placement:
I am reading four books at one time. It is a little confusing.

Today we all gathered in front of the mountain. There was something going on. The tops of the snowcapped peaks were lit up in a white blaze, and the shy pink sunset line was below them. Below that was the tropics, which are also located on the peaks, with dozens of thoughtful waterfalls (some which are lovers and rush into one stream) and green trimmings. But what was really spectacular was the fog, and once again how it interacted with the mountain. It was swamping, in the middle of the valley pouch of the mountain, and it seemed to be gathering from west (Lauterbrunnen), into a vast fog puddle right in the center. Everyone was out watching it, as if it were the apocalypse. I studied this fog, and tried to compare it to one thing, too soft to be even the slightest kiss, the only thing I could link it to was a blessing. When Jewish holy men wave their hands over the wall in succession, or the Shabat dinner, this is the same motion of the ever moving, fog. I looked deep into the fog, and it was clear that there were beings within it. There were moving angels. I have never seen anything look so much like dancing bodies, even dancing bodies. Spectacular. I sat on the edge of a railing, on the side of a cliff, and watched everything...move. Possibly even more touching was the 60 year old woman that decided to climb up and sit by my side. She's the one that had lost her husband. She stared at that mountain for as long as I have. I don't know her name, but I know that we both shared that. I should have given her a hug, or patted her on the back, but I didn't. I just well, enjoyed her sadness to be frank. I think I finally gathered that mountain and put it in my soul today. It was so cute/sad, to see this little woman, feet dangling, head shaking "no" at how beautiful it all was. The reason it is "no" is because you realize you have spent your entire life not having faith in anything, and then come here, and realize you were all wrong, and there is nothing but faith. She tells me that the problem is that her new husband is too something. I Say that's not the problem, the problem is that you have a problem with something that makes him happy.

I ask Petra why she has such a successful marriage and she says "we don't all the time". She says running away is always the wrong option. I loved her answer. I think it's the best one I've ever heard.

Walter is funny, he puts on my glasses today and offers me wine. Asks me how long I'm staying
Know Swiss German?
Not much
Want a Swiss boy?
Farmer or Hay-er?
Learn Swiss German, we will get you a boy.

They have become the match makers. and I , the girl, waiting so passionately to be matched.


I made the best decision today. I blame it on the fact that the mountain came back.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Food for the plebians, please

This morning I awoke to a duct tape sticker on a plate of breakfast saved just for me by Amanda! Sometimes I have a lot of hope for the people in the world. Last night was wonderful, it seemed to cleanse me. It's another fog day, but I can still see little whiskers of the mountain at points. I must hike today, or I will turn into a stir crazy stir fry.
Yesterday I shared my tea 3x and it paid off 10 fold.

I slept with my head towards the mountain. Woke up half way through a nightmare
and turned around
to a good dream.

seriously this is getting a little weird.

When I got back from my hike today, I had no idea what I had just done. Not because I was confused or absent minded, but because of the fog. It never cleared. I hear there used to be mountains behind that fog. The mountains and the fog must be making some baby! I'm excited to see it when it comes out. So, I practiced being in Tucson, I practiced being in New York, and looking through the fog, and imagining what the mountains would look like. Except, it would be buildings and desert I was looking through, but same thing.
"No one needs fog. Fog is useless." -Traveler 392
I disagree. Fog is enchanting and ethereal. But literally, I am living in a cloud. When I saw a herd of cows in the fog, the swiss bells even became a little eerie. But I did see cows WRESTLE! That was crazy.
I did regret going to Gusthalp today, because last time I went I thought quietly "there is nothing here" but this time there really WAS nothing there, and I felt bad for not realizing what there was
while there was (before.)
Also, why does every hike take me twice as long as the sign says? I didn't even take any pictures this time! Either way, it was good to get out. My goal today was to get dirty enough to take a shower and I was completely soaked, hands numb for 30 minutes.
When I arrived back to the Homstel (like that?), I was face to face with 50 high school kids from Washington.
Again as always, my territory felt threatened, and I hated them.
Then Petra told me I don't have to clean the kitchen for 3 days because they do it!
I LOVE THEM! Wow!! I walk around with a smile on my face, and greet them all with a BIG how-to-do! Maybe I'll go on a trip somewhere, West Side Story is playing in Thun.
Oh and the best part? I get to eat all the rest of their food when they leave! Man, they are all wonderful, gorgeous people! :)
I am their big sister and they are all going to love me. We'll make pies of silence together and I will teach them about life.

Lesson learned today:
you are never too cool to go hiking in the alps without a water bottle

unless you are a camel
I am not a camel

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Brushing my mountain, I mean my teeth.

These pictures are not from Switzerland. But again I am waiting for the card reader.

I had a dream about people laughing in a car. That's all I can remember!! Sleeping the other way does work! :)

Swiss German sounds like rolling

"He looked at me squarely, forcing me to face my fears. Now, My, if you're happy being miserable, enjoy it, but don't ask me to feel sorry for you. Just get all down i it and wallow around. Take your time to savor all its subtleties, but don't come to me expecting sympathy."
He knew me too well. It was true. I was loving the role of jilted lover. Deserted, yet carrying on. I saw myself as the heroine, solitary, standing under a streetlight's soft yellow glow. Waiting. Waiting. As the fog comes in, a gentle rain falls but doesn't drench her. It is just enough to make her shiver in her white raincoat (collar turned up) Oh, he knew me too well" (Maya Angelou)

pain attack. hot steaming.

Boredom is the cause of all evils
I made the worst decision today
and I blame it on the fact that
the clouds patched up the mountain
and I couldn't see it all day.
Doesn't the fog understand
that the mountain is my air
for my mind?
It's been raining all day. For the first time I see the mountain at 8:36PM, and there are so many MORE waterfalls than usual up at the top. Completely new! It has been raining for a straight 24 hours! I spent two of the last 24 hours talking to people! I spent another 3 reading Maya Angelou's auto biography, which is wonderful. I've become all literate and everything, doing things like reading and writing (the prior I would never normally take part in), but it's amazing what you'll get accomplished, and how insane you may become, with a lot of time on your hands. To those of you who know me, I am also becoming quite clean! I do laundry, clean the kitchen, take out the trash, like a pro!

Let me tell you a little about the culture here, there are 86 inhabitants of this small mountain town. In fact, when the hostel is full, it makes up more than half of the population of the entire town! Most people are farmers, and most people are over the age of 50. When I ask Petra why there is an age gap, and there aren't more than 3 babies in the area, she says "what do you want me to do? Ask the swiss festival?-Why are you not having babies?" She likes to give me a hard time. Her and Nicole have dark hair and olive skin, this is due to their greek heritage. Petra says that they are waiting for all the old people to die, so that more people can move in the town. Of the locals here i know there is the cable operator, Esther (who sells yoghurt), the man who walks around with a walking stick all day (but has a blearing cell phone), the Brunners, Petra's friend Ruth, and Veronica-the girl who helps out at the hostel and also runs the bar. Veronica has a very typical German face (very pretty) wears a lot of blue eye shadow and pig tails, and really is the social butterfly that some times I try to be. While hiking, it's easy to pick out the locals, because they walk faster-and always use hiking sticks. It's not "hallo" that you say but "grootsi" that is the phonetical spelling of it. The swiss men are, attractive-which is odd for me to say since I have never before been attracted to men outside of a different culture from my own. Hard work and knowing how to do things well is at high importance for the people of Gimmelwald. I think many of them are fascinated by the city, and don't mind loud voices at times because the mountain itself I think can get too quiet. Not having flat land doesn't phase them at all. Their houses, farms, cradles, whatever are all perched on almost vertical planes throughout the community. Like people, they give back what you give. They enjoy bread wine and cheese like most Europeans and every single one speaks some english. There is one school of seven children, but many of the kids (like nicole) go to school down in the valley, where there are bigger towns. Nicole is 17 and has been living on her own for a year now. They seem to have pride in exclusive relationships, and everything is run on a person who knows someone else person. To be expected of a small town. Their bodies are great, you can see the sun on their face as well as their heart on their face, and all though they are stocky, they seem to be very strong. The rest of the culture I know is in the hostel. Many newlyweds, or people taking the "European tour" for the first time. They all sleep in bunks, and I am the only one with my own room so that adds to a lot of the isolation. The party-ers play in the hot tub at night with their drinks, the younger kids play in the pool room, and every one else eats together in the room with wooden tables that I clean in the morning. I seem to gravitate towards people in their early 30's or above, and less of the party crowd. I really wonder what people think of me here sometimes, and why a lot of people don't start off conversations. Sometimes I get bored of the "where are you going" and "how hard is Shilthorn" conversations, but every once in awhile you hear about being on Wheel of Fortune, or maybe a son is traveling with his father who is an engineer. But mostly, it's a little lonely.

One more hour with everyone! Rosti and Pasti! A Swiss German Dish and a French Liquor! Another traveler from Woof has me stared on the idea of communal meal posters!

Speaking of ideas, I want to create a pee recording which you can bring into the bathroom with you that makes things less awkard between oyu, and your neighbor peer. ;)
Funny Quote of the day

Amanda "You are good at cleaning" !

Friday, July 11, 2008

Refusing to Break Glass

I think we discover most about what we want
when what we have is waving in the next seat over
at what we could have, who is absent and has left an empty chair.

Nightmares of V.R. Mooshe

I murdered three women by smashing their heads into buckets. It was very horrifying and outrageously scary. I was in a house. Then, my sister and mother had a child at the same time. My mom's came first, he was either Chinese or had down syndrome. He spoke right out of the womb, in English. I was the only one who could understand him. He said "you are pretty good at that" to my mom. His rib cage was totally open, like a bird's skeleton, but the doctors didn't seem to care. He was very, very small.

I talked to Nicole, who had a tea party up in my room yesterday (!!!), about
1. how she likes the city
2. what to wear to the play tomorrow
3. that I should never sleep with my head at the mountain. I should sleep with it "down the mountain", because that is what "they say". To sleep where the weather comes from. This I will try.

life is SO 3D!
glasses clinking
fly buzzing
birds chirping
cow swaying
its bell
german language
mountain default
dog eating
and talk of eggplant
green vest and wal mart skirt
mountain. default
the world is so 3D.
woman from the cable car
wine. talk of strawberries and gingerale
crow. squeaky door. person passing wall.
foot shuffle pavement little rocks. breathy laughter
boy. blonde. 7. Family. memory of my siblings.
Mountain. Default. Reset
Valley. Every landscape. The girl has found a bottlecap. Sneeeeeeeeeeze
The world is so 3D

Living the life of old men

i've been sad, i've done that
i've walked past choirs of empty benches
to discover my favorite chair is breaking
but sad is just a part of everything

i've had no faith in heaven
and have waited before talking to the dead
to realize that they had so forgotten me
but sad is just a part of everything

I've trusted sad for its comfy sheets and
round pillow but it wasn't big enough
at all.
apart of everything
the sad says
'notice me'
and I have so much faith in heaven


Once I was seeing gremlins in mail boxes on my way home. I always see the same white ghost woman waving on the side of the road from 20 minutes that my parents used to watch as a kid. They wouldn't let me watch Carebears due to its 'satanic' nature, but 20 minutes was ok. So, 18 years later I was asking Bardorff Founder what I should do about seeing faces in the mail.
I expected him to say something simple and wonderful. To say "they are not there sweetheart" and send me a hug from Spain. But no. He said that they do, in fact, very much exist-and they needed to be noticed just like everyone else. To say "hi".
This was better than any simple answer.


The Sistene Chapel
looks so unreal
i stare and stare and still do not believe
that they are not 3D images
the creature of truth
this mountain
i stare and stare and still do not believe
that it isn't a pop out card from God

I guess that's exactly what it is.
Inside it is written

"Welcome to where everything exists. You are living here. This is a window to the good stuff, where I live. Hello"

waking up, lying on that bench. seeing the pull out cards of the mountain, like pop up cards
like pop rocks
like the sisteenth chapel

i feel not apart of everything
very singular

but the best moments of my life were lying on the bench
I was living.

I lived.

The last words I whispered in my grandma's ear was "you're not dying. You've lived. Living is for those who haven't lived yet." I love her so much.

At this point, I have everything. So much of everyone is alive.

And the wind picks up, and there are dozens of crows, even the crows are made beautiful here. They have crumbs in their mouth and buy a ticket to the wave of air and hover maybe 3 feet above me.

Sleeping. Waking up


sleeping. napping. lying down. pop up cards. Eliah.
lets it go. lets it goooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Love is all the space in the sky. Even when the sky is getting thin.



At a stream on the way to Stechleburg, I sat real close to the stream to
I left my stuff on a bench up the way a little bit, probably only 30 seconds from where I was sitting.
After a long while, a British woman came and told me that I should most definitely move my things, because the sound of the waterfall was so strong, it may disguise a robber taking all of my things.
Now, everything I owned was in that backpack, and maybe a small part of me appreciated the advice, but I still think that woman is confused.
Maybe because the stream was so fast, she confused it for new york,
the metro,
the go go going of the city.
You see,
the river always has somewhere to go.
But it's the swiss alps, and I really think that
it's all safe here for now
It's amazing what will happen when you trust people.


Citizenship in Switzerland can be obtained by a permanent resident who has lived uninterruptedly in Switzerland for at least twelve years (any years spent in Switzerland between the 10th and the 20th years of age count double), and has lived in the country for the last three out of five years before applying for citizenship. One should be able to speak fluently in either German (preferably Swiss German), French, Italian or Romansch (depending on the community) and show:

* integration into the Swiss way of life;
* familiarity with Swiss habits, customs and traditions;
* compliance with the Swiss rule of law;
* no danger to Switzerland's internal or external security.

Cantons and communities impose their own residence and other requirements, which may be additional to those imposed by the Confederation.


Today I almost hiked to Obersteinburg, but I wasn't feeling quite right and it was dire hot. So, I turned back early in my jeans. To buy shorts in Murren. 129 was the cheapest pair. Or not. Talked about river trips to a woman in her 30's. Did the hostel's laundry. Rest is above.


i'm insane
lets get real
1. i live in a hostel
2. i talk to no one
2.5 i eat dinner a lone
3. i'm the prettiest thing i've ever seen.
why don't people want to play with me
1. I speak in a false accent
2. I take my book to dinner
3.I wait. Thinking one night is not enough to make a good connection. When every good thing has happened in a small room. in a town that starts with a g.
A russian Bakery.
Green Room
An English Rehearsal space
The pocket of the alps.

I should get out there. I should say hello. To the people. People are plants to. I'm going to crack this one:
I'd like someone else here

The Best From My Ceiling:







(on the ceiling:)




one crazy math equation

and the rest are cliches and boring.


I refuse to leave this place
I refuse to leave this place
I refuse to leave this place
I refuse to leave this
I refuse to leave
I refuse to
I refuse
I refuse
I refuse to
I refuse to leave
I refuse to leave this
I refuse to leave this place
I refuse to leave this place
I refuse to leave this place

Living the life of old men

Sometimes I think I am living the life of an old man.
-what did you do today
-you know, hiked around a bit.
-oh yeah?
-nice day
-mm hmm
-what will you do tomorrow?
-you know, probably hike
Lesson Learned Today: Tight, Long jeans are NOT the pants to wear hiking in July, even if it is the Alps ;)


Funny things Travelers say:

"The problem with this sausage is that it's not Nutella"

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Swissy: the cute/nice girl who cleans the kitchen who maybe is not so cute/nice when you don't clean your dishes!

The second picture I didn't take: but is the reason why it was harder than usual to water the flowers today. (hike to Shilthorn). Sorry bout the picture repeats, but I am waiting until my card reader gets here.

The title is the new sticker I put on my food basket today. Before I started cleaning the kitchen, I found a flower someone had left me in a cup by the sink, and also tomatoes in my basket!! People are so nice. Last night I was like "looks like a lot of good vegetables you've got there, I'm just going on rice and pasta". I didn't even know I was asking for anything. :)

So. Plan for the day: Tan in the swiss sun. Wake up. Look at the mountain. Repeat.

And I'll have some writings for you all (if I'm correct I have about 4 whole readers!) before the day is through.

My legs don't even look like legs. They look like swiss logs. Maybe that's how the swiss are so hearty. Before I left on this trip, my friend Lquit Builder said "I hope it's everything you need". I laughed and said a humble comment like "well, it won't be everything, but it will be some things." I was wrong. Everything that needed to happen happened on this hike. It was beautiful, scary, and hard enough to make tears. Therefore, today is a relaxing day. I even had time to straighten my hair!
Account of Shilthorn:
I started out by showing another Aussie couple how to get to Sprutz. On perhaps my favorite part of any hike here, my fallopian tubes decided to throw a riot. I policed them with four Alive, but it was horrible. The worst. After I split from them, I made a pact to myself that whether or not I got to my destination, that I would enjoy myself a long the way. (A little backround: Shilthorn is one of the 'big hikes' that everyone here talks about, and goes to the top of the alps as seen in the picture. It only takes 5 hours both ways, but I left late cuz of work and did not want to return too far in the dar). I sort of stayed true to this pact. After a forest it is straight for a long ways, but I got lost (no surprise there) and almost walked off a cliff that was some farmer's field. After this adventure, I got two killer spider bites that had me immobilized for 10 minutes. I used the teardrops of my waterbottle to rinse it, always trusting that there are fresh streams to fill up on a long the way. At this point it was dire hot, and I had my shirt tied into itself like they did in the 80's, the decade I was born in. Then it was flat for a very long way, which I was grateful for. Even more grateful when I realized that it was uphill for the next 3 hours. There is nothing interesting to say about this part. Except that I stopped every five steps, and had started to get a type of swiss calenture, when the mossy shark's fin started to look like a bed. (Excuse me, a fly just drowned in my rhubarb yogurt). And, I saw cows running down the hillside which I will try to uploud for you, and I stopped frequently to gnash my teeth into a loaf of bread (no surprise there again I know). At the end of this part, two moments paid off the work. When I arrived at ice lake, and looked behind me. I caught a prayer I threw on the top of a mesa on the San Juan and let it go, and dissipate. Few things feel better than forgiveness. Turning upwards, Neutral Milk Hotel was playing around the corner. Maybe it was the absinthe, or the ipod, but there was a party going on in my soul. There is a type of high you get from such physical exertion (I was supposed to work my way on up in the guide book from easy to strenuous but I took a little bit of a leap, just was feeling great that morning). After this was neon neon neon, you need arrows every 10 seconds so you don't get lost. At the top, I was enveloped in nothing but fog, and what stood out were these bright blue flowers. Every time I have been to the top of a mountain, I am impressed by the little crazies that are all the way up there, like caterpillars, or bright flowers. Also at the top was this little trophy garden of rock towers. You know, stacking rocks on top of each other as a trail marker. But this was a Bravo trophy. It looked like some sort of cemetery for bugs or something. At the top was a ledge about 3 feet wide that you (can) grab on to a cable to pass, or just do it. The slope that they were trying to prevent you from, I saw three french kids just totally slide down (for fun!). At the top of the Alps, the mountains did the weirdest things for me. They took of their clothes. Each layer of fog delicately fell until an entire panoramic view of the bernese oberland was exposed. I was higher than every paraglider. And what greeted me 2 minutes to the top? An eagle! And at the very top, a filming for Baliwood! They asked me to be apart. But, it was already 6PM, and I had to be home before dark. I had to stop for nothing. I took a bad bath through falling rocks, and got lost in meadows. While Tif is in Peru getting rioted by farmers, I'd give to see just one. At this point, I'm thinking these Sheep are the hyenas from Lion King and need to get home. I look at the mountain, and find the very valley that stands outside me window. I follow it follow it home. Murren puts on its make up at night. I stumble in the hostel, quite proud of myself, actually. :) More words l8ter.

Maybe i love the landscape because the mountain is as fickle as me
So I feel like an immortal here. An immortal kitchen cleaner. Everyone is always staying for shorter than me and I'm still here (for not long enough!)
I realized that the reason we can't be together is because at the bottom of my soul is a party, and at the bottom of his is a dungeon.
I would have gone
but its invitations were tightly sealed. Only open on fifth tuesdays between 12:01 and 12:02.
The reason it never worked, is because there is a party at the bottom of my soul. That is always open. And nothing can ever change that.
I would have traded my party for a dungeon.
And also, the only thing bigger than the sky, is forgiveness. And forgiveness wasn't at my party, back in 89.
Thinking about how I was supposed to be married next month is like when the waiter comes by and says "did you order..." but they are a new waitress, and you didn't order that at all.
Natalie says "you're too cool to be married now"
I know. It took me a long time to figure that out.
Receipes of V.R. Mooshe
Tomatoes. Sugar. Spices. Rice. Pan. Cook the rice and tomatoes separately. add milk to tomatoes. YUMMY dish!
Dreams of V.R. Mooshe:
Uh, I wrote Hro Round-a-bout it. Way too weird.

I have been here 10 days in the most beautiful place in the world.
of course I can't believe it
of course it will hit me when i leave
i only need one good reason to leave
haven't found it yet.